sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
