Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
