I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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