I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
