Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
