You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
