You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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