exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
