I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
