Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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