I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
