haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
