Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
