took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
