Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
