This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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