I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
