I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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