Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
