No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
