I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
