You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
