I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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