life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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