Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
