there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
