Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
They are going to name an STD after you.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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