Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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