I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
