There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
