Christians are straight up FREAKS
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
