so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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