I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
