You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
