god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
