Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I party with great urgency now.
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