my mouth tastes like poor choices
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
