we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
