So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
