This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
