never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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