i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
