Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
