thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
