Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
