On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
