Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
