who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
