I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
