Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
