I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
