My sheets look like a crime scene.
I met the friendliest cop last night
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
