There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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