You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
