I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
